


linger

by allthedreamersarewaking



Category: Dare Me (TV 2019), Dare Me - Megan Abbott
Genre: Addy and Beth as adults, Addy works in the ER so it can get graphic at times, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Chance Meetings, Denial, Divorce, Executive!Beth, F/F, F/M, Fate, Futurefic, Marriage, Mutual Pining, New York City, Nurse!Addy, Past Relationship(s), Reconciliation, Reunion, Slow Burn, Time Jump, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension, absence makes the heart grow fonder, allusions, repressed sapphics, they're older and therefore wiser
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:27:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24831610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/allthedreamersarewaking/pseuds/allthedreamersarewaking
Summary: “Like time suspended,a wound unmended--you and I.We had no ending,no said goodbye;For all my life,I'll wonder why.”― Lang Leav, "Love & Misadventure"ORAlmost ten years after high school, Addy and Beth haven't seen each other since they were teenagers. Addy is newly separated, living in Brooklyn with her six-year-old twins, and is an ER nurse in Manhattan. Recently promoted Beth, has relocated to New York City. They're living separate lives, but what happens when their paths cross again?title is from "linger" by the cranberries
Relationships: Addy Hanlon/Original Character, Beth Cassidy/Addy Hanlon, Beth Cassidy/Original Character, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 16
Kudos: 63





	1. everything's different, nothing's changed (only maybe slightly rearranged)

“We have to hurry or you’ll be late for school!” Addy threatens her six-year-old daughter, Zoe, who is trudging behind her. 

Around her, skyscrapers line the street and people scuttle up and down the sidewalk. Remnants of the summer’s heat still hang in the crisp September air and rush-hour traffic fills the streets. Sirens and horns blare around them, workers rush to their jobs and children head to their first day of school. On the other side of the street, the trees along the edge of Central Park show signs of autumn just around the corner. 

For almost ten years, Addy’s home has been New York. She loves the fast-paced, rat-infested, tourist-filled city she lives in - it’s where she became a nurse and where she had her children.

Addy’s son, Elijah, is holding her hand and pretending to fly the toy plane he assembled over the weekend. Zoe reluctantly stomps up to her mother’s side.

“There’s only a few more blocks left, Zo.” Addy rubs her daughter’s back with her free hand as they round a corner. 

Zoe moans as she drags her feet along the sidewalk. “I hate Mrs. Dubinsky. Conner’s sister had her and he told Eli she’s mean!” 

Addy has heard this defense for the past week. “Zoe, giving you extra work isn’t mean. It will help you learn.”

Addy hates having to haul her children on the subway across town to some Upper West Side private school. Her mother-in-law, an Oxford alumna, insisted they went. It would have been much easier to enroll the kids in a local public school in their neighbourhood. She wouldn’t have to dress Elijah up in a tie and put a grey dress on her daughter. They’re starting first grade, for God’s sake, not going to church.

Zoe whines every time Addy tells her to put on the mandatory blue cardigan. Addy only relented because Phyllis, her mother-in-law, would pay the tuition. Addy furtively agreed that private education was better than public in America.

They reach the school’s main entrance five minutes before the warning bell. By now, the pavement is empty. The parents are long gone and the children are in the front playground, off to the side.

“Mommy, can Conner come over tonight?” Elijah asks, fiddling with a wing on his plane. 

“Grandma’s picking you up after school, remember?”

Elijah grins, “Cool, we can walk Toto!”

Zoe pouts, and Addy feels a pit in her stomach. 

“I’m sorry, baby. I’m working a double today.” Addy says, rubbing Zoe’s arm. “At least, I get to see you off on your first day!” 

“I don’t want Grandma to be there, I want you!” Zoe scowls up at Addy. 

Addy sighs and bends down to pull up a white sock that’s ridden down Elijah’s leg. She takes his toy plane and puts it in his Spiderman backpack. He sulks and squints up at his mother through his glasses. 

“You can only use it outside, honey,” Addy reminds him. She runs a hand through Zoe’s black curls and pulls both children into a hug.

“I love you both very much,” Addy kisses each child on the forehead and lets them go. Elijah dashes off to the gated playground in the school’s courtyard. Zoe stays put.

“Be careful, Eli!” Addy calls to her son as he jumps on the monkey bars. 

Zoe steps closer to Addy and throws her arms around her. Addy wraps her arms around her.

“Aw, honey, it’s okay to be scared,” Addy coos. “I know it's hard for you to talk in school, and there’s nothing wrong with being embarrassed, okay?”

Addy feels Zoe’s head nod into the crook of her neck. She pulls back from Zoe, slightly. “Listen. Tomorrow, I’m off, so I’m picking you up.”

Zoe beams and sprints towards the playground. “Bye, Mom!” She calls over her shoulder.

“Have a great day at school!” Addy chuckles as she sees Elijah now showing off his plane to his group of friends. 

She sighs as she wonders how her children grew so fast. Her wistful thoughts are soon interrupted by a town car pulling up to the curb behind her. She turns to see the driver blare a horn. 

Her best friend of seven years, Emma Bennett, and the only ER doctor Addy knows who wears Jimmy Choos to work, is in the back seat, poking her head out of the window.

“Get in!” She yells with her husky voice. “I have croissants and coffee.” 

Addy grins and jogs to the other side of the car to climb in.

Emma’s tawny eyes stare into Addy’s. “Did you forget about the meeting?”

“Yes, I forgot.” Addy shuts the door. “I was about to have a nice walk to work through Central Park,” She says as the car pulls away from the school.

“Now you can ride in style,” Emma flashes her pearly whites at Addy as she tosses a small paper bag in her lap.

“Thank God, I’m starving,” Addy says as she reaches into the bag and shoves a piece of the still-warm pastry in her mouth. She groans, “I haven’t eaten because I was rushing the kids.”

“Oh yeah, how were the little squirts on their first day?”

“Eli was happy to see his friends,” Addy says through a mouthful of buttery croissant. “But Zoe needed a nudge.”

“Always a momma’s girl,” Emma tuts. “But you love it.” She pulls a small stack of napkins out of her Gucci purse and hands it to Addy. 

“Yeah, but I worry about her,” Addy wipes her mouth with the napkin. “What if she doesn’t make any friends of her own?”

“Ah, sweetie, it’s just a phase. Plus, she’s a twin - she’ll never be lonely.”

Addy certainly hopes so. She reaches for the drink in the cup holder and takes a sip. Flat white with a shot of hazelnut - her favourite. 

“Mm, you’re the best.”

“Me or the coffee?” Emma teases. 

Addy rolls her eyes. “So what do you think this big meeting is about?”

“Your guess is as good as mine.” Emma shrugs. “Probably for the new Chief of ER," She says, rolling her eyes and looking out her window.

Addy drops her croissant on the napkin and puts her hand on Emma’s knee. “Em, you'll get that promotion one day.”

Emma shakes her head, blonde ponytail swinging side to side. “It’s whatever. It’s not like this isn’t a great time for something good to happen for me, anyway.”

Two weeks ago, she broke up with her girlfriend, Mel, for the second time this year. They’ve been together for nearly as long as Addy’s known Emma. 

Emma and Mel both have high-powered jobs and never seem to have enough time for each other. They can’t stay away from each other for long though; their previous break up lasted for a record-breaking four months.

Lately, it seems, Emma and Addy have both been unlucky in love.

Emma has always been on the dramatic side, but Addy is always there to give her a shoulder to cry on, and vice versa. Emma roots around in her bag, pulls out a hand mirror and puckers her lips. “Apparently, the new Chief is hot.”

The one they had before was very much respected, but he was well into his seventies and was having trouble being on his feet all day. “I just hope he’s good at his job,” Addy replies. 

***

Emma and Addy step out of the revolving doors into the hospital and are immediately hit with the familiar smell of antiseptic. They make their way down the wide hallway, filled with bright lights and doctors in navy blue scrubs and white coats running past them. The intercom filters through the ward, announcing codes and summoning medical personnel.

They turn left, just before the ER waiting room, into the locker room. Addy puts her purse and jacket into her locker. She throws her lanyard with her name tag over her head and straightens out her light blue scrubs.

She rejoins Emma in the staff room, where around ten other ER staff stand in wait for Angela Moretti, the ER manager, to begin the meeting. To the corner of the room is a table full of baked goods and coffee and tea. Doughnuts, muffins, cookies, brownies and a sheet cake cover the table. The cake is covered in white icing, and in blue icing, _Welcome, Dr. Roberts!_ has been drawn in cursive. 

“It’s like a goddamn baby shower," Emma says to Addy, picking at a muffin.

“Moretti must really like him,” Another ER doctor, Dr. Nguyen says to Emma. 

Just then, Angela Moretti, a short stocky woman in her late fifties, enters the ER with a tall man in a white lab coat. The pair head to the front of the room. He has thick, dark hair and broad shoulders.

Moretti clears her throat. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’ll make this quick.” Her thick Bronx accent resounds throughout the room. “Meet our new Chief of ER, Harvard alum, Doctor Mark Roberts,” She gestures to the man on her left. The room erupts into applause, including Addy, fairly impressed. Emma simply takes a sip of coffee from the styrofoam cup in her hand.

Moretti continues, “Please introduce yourselves and help yourselves to the food on the back table.”

She glances at Emma and frowns, “Although, I see some of us already have.”

“Coffee sucks anyway,” Emma mumbles to Addy, placing her cup on the table. The staff soon make their way over towards Mark, gathering around him. Emma makes her way to the cake, cutting off a huge end piece and dumping it on a paper plate.

“Chocolate?” Addy asks.

“Vanilla,” Emma shoves a piece in her mouth. “Chocolate cream inside, though.”

Addy juts her chin towards the small crowd of people who have now gathered around the new doctor. “What do you think?” 

Emma stabs her fork into the cake and wrinkles her nose. “He hasn’t even done anything yet.”

Addy pops a piece of cake into her mouth and Angela breaks apart from the swarm, blushing. She clears her throat, “We still have patients to be seen, ladies and gentlemen.” 

“Always a buzzkill,” Emma mumbles through a mouthful of cake, rolling her eyes and dropping the paper plate in the garbage.

Moretti looks down at her clipboard and gives placements to the staff, finishing with Addy. By now, the room is almost empty, except for Addy, Emma and Moretti.

“Addy, you’re taking over from Louise. She has rooms eighteen through twenty,” Angela drones. “Dr. Bennett, rooms ten through twenty, as usual.”

Addy nods and heads out into the ER unit with Emma.

***

Halfway through her shift, Addy is ready to crawl into her bed. She slips off her umpteenth pair of gloves and thinks she’s gotten through the worst part of the day. The ER is quiet for now, with only a handful of people waiting. She glances at her watch and sighs; it’s only three o’clock. Eighteen more hours to go. Zoe and Elijah will be finishing school for the day.

Addy heads to the reception desk, in front of the waiting room, to find her next patient. The mounted TV in the waiting room hums quietly and shows the latest weather forecast: mostly clear with a chance of rain. Jen, the receptionist, hands Addy the clipboard, eyes barely leaving her computer screen.

Addy is reading over the list for her next patient, when she hears the click clack of heels on the linoleum floor, followed by the wheels of a suitcase. She looks up from the clipboard and has to do a double take. Past the waiting room, she can see the hallway all the way to the entrance. She isn’t sure if it’s because of exhaustion or shock, probably the latter, but Addy wants to sit down. 

Walking towards the ER is Beth Cassidy.

A little older, a little taller, but still, the same old Beth.

What the hell is she doing in New York, of all places? Clearly she isn’t injured - she’s wearing a black trench coat and shiny Manolo Blahniks. Her auburn hair, still long, still beautiful, is down past her shoulders. Inching closer to the waiting room, Beth squints in Addy’s direction. There's a flash of recognition on Beth’s face, before shock spreads across it. Addy abandons the list and slowly makes her way over to Beth, jaw hanging. They meet in the middle.

“I can’t believe it,” The two say simultaneously, shaking their heads, shy smiles breaking out across their faces. 

Beth runs a hand through her brunette tresses and looks Addy up and down. “Wait, you work here?” She grins, gesturing to Addy’s scrubs. She wants the ground to open up and swallow her whole; of course she runs into Beth when she’s in her dirty scrubs.

“Yeah,” Addy simpers and glances down at Beth's suitcase.

She quickly changes the subject. “What are you doing here?”

Beth looks around the waiting room and is about to open her mouth when her name is called from behind them.

Addy pivots on her heel and catches sight of Dr. Roberts striding over to them. 

_No._

He takes quick steps to reach the women and plants a kiss onto Beth’s cheek.

_Fucking._

Beth blushes, bringing a hand up to his chest.

_Way._

It’s only then that Addy notices the diamond ring on Beth’s left hand. Addy swallows and looks away awkwardly, easily putting two and two together. She has to hand it to Beth; she always knew how to pick her meals. Addy quickly recovers from the shock, something she’s used to after being an ER nurse for so long. 

Addy excuses herself, but Mark is turning to face her, hand on the small of Beth’s back.

Mark glances at Addy’s name tag and smiles, “Addy, right?”

She silently nods.

“I see you’ve met my fiancée - Beth.”

Addy thinks she sees Beth slightly pull away from Mark’s hand.

“Um, yeah, we’ve already met,” She flashes a polite smile at both of them. “Listen, I gotta run.” 

She gives a half-hearted wave in departure. 

Addy doesn’t think she can walk away faster, as she overhears the two discuss Beth’s journey and Mark’s first day. She steals a glance over her shoulder, only to see Beth doing the same, unbeknownst to Mark, who is chatting away next to her.

She gets a harrowing prickly feeling that this won’t be the last time she sees Beth.

Addy doesn’t realise until later, after her strenuous shift, but looking back at Beth still sends shivers down her spine. 

* * *

Addy still remembers the last time she saw Beth.

How could she forget?

It was just before winter break in junior year; Addy could still see the hurt in Beth’s eyes as she spat those words laced with venom.

_That’s you, Beth. You take._

She can still see the tears in Beth's eyes. Can still see Beth walking away from her for the last time.

_Well, I guess we’ll see, won’t we? We’ll see if she’s worth it._

And see she did.

The police found Colette’s fingerprints in Sarge Will’s apartment. Matt was arrested and confessed everything. They charged him with voluntary manslaughter, and Coach was charged as an accessory. After that, it was difficult for Addy to convince herself of Colette’s innocence. 

Once her mom found out about it all, she pulled her out of school for the rest of the year. It was long overdue, but her mom sent her to a shrink. 

And to Beth, what could she say?

Addy was heartbroken and betrayed and... she was humiliated. But more than anything, Addy was angry. Angry at everything she could point at, angry more so at herself more than Coach.

She kept running over every interaction they ever had around her head.

She wondered if any of it was real.

How had she charmed her so easily? How did she slither into her head and weave a tangled web of lies and deceit, all the while knowing what she had in store for Addy?

“We see the things we want to see,” Her therapist had said with a wry smile during Addy’s first appointment with her. “What that means is, we look for the best in others because we want to convince ourselves that there are these all perfect beings out there. And that’s not true, Addy.”

Addy came into her therapist’s office that day like a bird with shattered wings. At the end, she felt a little lighter. She still had horrifying nightmares of Will's body in a pool of his own blood. Some even had Coach in them, telling Addy she didn't do it, didn't shoot Will.

But after many sessions, many of which her counsellor convinced her it wasn’t her fault, that she was the victim, she slowly felt herself getting stronger, more secure. 

Not perfect, but enough.

The nightmares slowly became less grotesque, less intrusive, until they dwindled to none.

And after many months of seeing her counsellor, she transferred to the high school across town for senior year. She got into NYU and finally got out of Sutton Grove, leaving everybody, including Beth, behind.

She never saw her SGHS classmates again.

That is, until a certain someone walked back into her life again.

* * *

It’s been over a decade since Addy saw Beth Cassidy. 

But after all this time, to Addy’s surprise, Beth still has a hold over her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter is more of an introduction to set the story and the following chapters will move quicker.
> 
> Thanks for reading!
> 
> EDIT: I’ve made a few changes to the first chapter and fixed my grammar.


	2. echoes of your name (inside my mind)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so, I've been planning this story for so long, and I miss this characters a lot! Even the show was unjustifiably and prematurely cancelled (imo), I still want to tell this story, and will continue to do so until...
> 
> Anyway! I've made some changes to the first chapter as I've changed the plot a little bit. I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update. I honestly thought it'd be quicker!

Beth would be lying if she said she fell in love with New York at first sight. 

The buildings, tall and imposing, the never ending traffic and smog - it isn’t that surprising she hates it upon arrival. Though Beth can’t complain about the luxury department stores, she feels out of her element in such a busy city. Hundreds of people, in addition to the pollution and garbage-filled streets - it’s suffocating.

And what’s with the steam coming from the vents on the sidewalk? 

She misses Boston. Misses her apartment. Misses her group of friends. Sure, Boston is big, but it isn’t as populated as New York. She can’t really complain, though; the six-figure salary she’s gotten from the promotion was worth it.

She’s supposed to be living the dream: successful fiancé and promotion with a high-rise condo in Manhattan. She distinctly remembers seeing the envy in her colleagues’ eyes as they forced congratulatory smiles. After being the first one in the office and one of the last to leave at night, Beth had earned it.

Still, she constantly has to remind herself why she’s here.

* * *

Two months ago, Joanna, Beth's boss, pulled her into her office. Beth worked for one of the biggest marketing firms in Boston, and she was one of their best executives. Joanna always admired Beth’s quick wit and natural boldness, so it came as no surprise to Beth when she gave her a promotion. What came as a shock was the fact that the job was located over two hundred miles away.

The last time she made a move this big, it was more of an escape. Beth couldn’t wait to leave Ohio, and once she did, she never looked back.

Until her mom got sick. 

Knowing her dependency on alcohol and questionable medication, Beth wasn’t that shocked. But she got seriously ill.

She got a call in the middle of the night from an ER doctor. He was the same doctor who met Beth at the front entrance of the ER. And when Lana berated Beth for not visiting since she left, the doctor took a bleary-eyed Beth to the hospital’s cafeteria for a much-needed break, where he kindly introduced himself as Mark Roberts. 

He looked to be in his early thirties, and was very patient and sympathetic as he explained the severity of her mom’s condition. He quietly confessed to Beth his late mom had the same illness. 

After more tests were taken, Beth called her boss and told her she’d be looking after her mother for a while. Joanna offered her support, and Beth was relieved when she assured Beth her promotion was still on the table.

Beth was flattered; a job waiting for her after she got back from Ohio.

She’d worked hard for it - for all that she had. 

There was a tiny part of her that felt good - knowing she was worth the wait - knowing all the early morning and all the late nights were somehow worth it.

A few days later, as Beth and her mom sat and talked while watching reruns of some shitty daytime soap, her mom nudged her and teased her about the “handsome ER guy” who couldn't stop looking at her Beth. 

Beth just shook her head and asked Lana if she was still taking the right medication.

After Lana was moved into hospice, Mark still made sure to check up on her. He didn’t have to. Beth knew it, and so did he. 

Still, a few weeks later, when Mark asked Beth out on a date, she laughed in his face. “Isn’t that inappropriate?” She asked him. He laughed too, and explained that because her mom was no longer his patient, it was okay.

Any other day, Beth would go back to her mom’s house in Sutton Grove, lie on the old coach, and watch whatever reality show was on tv that night. Sometimes she would read. Sometimes she would go for a jog, purposefully avoiding the route that takes her past Addy’s old house. 

But still, she was always alone.

So Beth shrugged and accepted Mark’s offer.

After all, misery loves company.

***

Over the next few months, Beth's usual coffees in the cafeteria turned into frequent dates with Mark at restaurants nearby the hospital. He was easy to talk to and, as it turned out, he was being transferred to a hospital in Manhattan to be Chief of their ER.

Beth, who didn’t think she’d ever been a believer in fate, thought it a mere coincidence.

And at the end of the summer, when Mark got down on one knee and proposed, Beth ignored the fact that they’d only known each other for eight weeks, ignored the fact that her mother had months to live, and said _yes_. 

_Yes_ , to a fresh start.

***

Lana’s condition stabilized, but the outcome still looked bleak.

Beth called her boss and told her she’d be able to start in New York earlier. Her mother was in expert hands - she’d seen so herself - and she needed to get back to work. She wanted to make a good impression.

At least, that's how she convinced herself. She didn't think she could watch as her mom got continually worse.

After she reluctantly promised her mom she’d come back as much as she could, she packed up her suitcase and flew to New York. She’d have to fly back to Boston to get the rest of her things later on. 

But she had more pressing issues to attend to.

* * *

On the plane, she doesn’t think about all the calls she has to make when she lands, all the new people she has yet to meet with at work. Instead, she toys with the shiny diamond ring around her finger and her mind floats back ten years, when made a similar move and left Sutton Grove.

* * *

Once Addy left, Beth thought what the hell, and in a last-ditch attempt to somehow move on, she threw herself into the real world. A world that didn’t involve cheer, meaningless parties, or her shitty excuse for a father. 

After Sarge Will’s murder was solved, Beth, along with the rest of the cheer team, was forced to go and see the school’s guidance counsellor once a week. So every Wednesday during last period, Beth sat on the lumpy sofa in silence and rolled her eyes when the counsellor asked her stupid questions. 

Nonetheless, when she put her mind to it, Beth was pretty good at school - good enough to get into Boston University. 

And she couldn’t wait to leave.

She'd waited for Addy as long as she could - until she found out Faith had taken her out of school, and she understood the irrevocable hand she’d been dealt.

The last time Beth saw Addy was still burned into the back of her head, buried in the darkest recesses of her mind. 

She’s run over it in her head at least a million times over the last ten years. It had felt like her heart was shattered into a million little pieces. And she would know - it’d happened too many times for her to count. 

Beth knew what Colette French was the instant she laid eyes on her. She'd had more than enough encounters with people like Colette, and Beth knew there was a certain art to deception. She'd seen it in her own home. Had seen it in the way her father pressed fervent kisses on her mother's cheek, only to turn around and screw the woman across the street.

For all that, she desperately wanted to protect Addy. 

She tried to warn her. Perhaps too much. And maybe, in doing so, she pushed her further into Colette’s snare. But Addy, Addy with her naiveté and rose-coloured glasses, fell so tragically for Colette’s charms and promises.

When the police put Colette French in prison, Beth had hoped they’d locked her away and tossed the key.

But more than anything, she hoped Addy would come back to her. 

She wouldn’t have judged her. Wouldn’t have yelled at her. Only would’ve held her in safe arms and told her it would be okay now, because she was back where she was supposed to be. 

* * *

Beth lands in the mayhem that is JFK and, on a whim, she decides to go and visit Mark on the way to her new condo.

The last she heard of Addy was that she left Sutton Grove straight after graduating from her new school. Beth didn’t know where she went - she had her sources, but they only went so far. 

So it comes as a shock to her when Beth sees the face belonging to Addy's at her fiance’s workplace.

***

At first, she thinks it’s some sick joke. And it’s almost comical.

_Almost._

The girl Beth never thought she’d see again - not even in her wildest dreams, the same girl Beth was so deeply and desperately in love with, now works with her fiancé.

As Mark leads Beth out of the ER, rambling about his first day, she ignores the pounding of her heart in her chest, forces her mind to focus on the conversation and she wills every part of her that still thinks about Addy to be quiet.

But just then, for some reason, perhaps to make sure she hadn’t imagined it, she can’t resist the urge to look back at Addy as she leaves.

And, lo-and-behold, Addy also glances over her shoulder to look at Beth.

Figures.

She spends years trying to put her life back together, and in comes her kryptonite, slowly shattering every piece of herself she’s worked so hard to build.

But later that same day, in Beth’s new condo, when Mark is between her legs, Beth can’t help but picture someone else’s face.

And it seems like she always has.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!


	3. every time it rains, you're here in my head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry it's taken me so long to upload again. I've rewritten this chapter so many times and that's mostly why it's taken so long...seriously - I have twenty two drafts on my laptop.
> 
> Anyway, more world building going on in this chapter!

On Addy's day off she meets Emma during her lunch break. Even though dark clouds hang in the sky, Addy jumps on the subway and heads to Emma’s favourite restaurant near the hospital, umbrella in hand. The two go there so often that as soon as Addy gets there, she gets their regular table immediately, bread arriving not long after. 

Emma arrives just as the rain pours. She hurries to the table and plops herself into the seat across from Addy with a dramatic sigh. “Did everyone in Manhattan collectively decide to get the stomach flu on the same night?” She shrugs off her wet raincoat. “I’m so fucking tired. I swear this is the first time today I can actually sit down."

“It’s the first week back for schools, it’s always crazy this time of the year.” Addy smiles, amused because she knows the feeling all too well. Not that any hospital in Manhattan was ever truly quiet. “I already put in the order.”

“I knew we were friends for a reason.”

As if on cue, their food arrives. They both dig into their pasta as Emma rambles on about her busy day. Addy tries to concentrate - really, she does. She hears fragments of Emma telling her about an old man who had a heart attack and couldn't stop staring at Emma’s chest, but her mind keeps wandering to the day before.

Running into Beth threw Addy’s emotions for a spin. After high school, Addy had tried so hard to forget about Beth and everything that’d happened, it’d all but consumed her. Even after her double shift yesterday, Addy spent the whole night treading in and out of sleep. No matter which side of the empty bed she slept on, no matter what boring book she tried to read, she couldn’t find a comfortable position, couldn’t stop her mind from racing.

Emma waves a fork in Addy’s face, interrupting her reverie. “Earth to Addy.”

“Huh?”

“I was saying she’s really pretty.”

“Who?”

“The new Chief’s fiancée - she came in today. He was showing her off. Cute shoes.” 

Addy’s ears prick up at the mention of Beth.

“I didn’t have time to say hello.” Emma chews on her bread thoughtfully. “She was there for a while, actually. I don’t know her name-” 

“Beth,” Addy murmurs mindlessly.

“How did you know?” 

Addy pokes her pasta with her fork, quickly losing interest in her food. “I saw her yesterday. We went to high school together.”

“In Ohio?” Emma scrunches her eyebrows. “When did you last see her?”

Addy looks away and mumbles, “Eleventh grade.”

Emma nods, hazel eyes filling with sympathy. “Oh.”

“Yep.” Addy takes a mouthful of her water as a nauseating feeling coils in her gut.

Addy couldn’t keep a secret like that forever, especially from her friend. She couldn’t only talk about what happened to her mom and her therapist. When they were in college, Addy told Emma everything. Everything except for Beth. 

Emma peers at Addy. “What happened between you two?”

“Um, we were best friends.” 

“And?”

Addy sighs and puts down her fork. “You know what happened to me in high school?”

Emma nods silently.

“Well, Beth was on the cheer team with me. She was the captain, actually. I don’t know if she still was after I left.” Addy pauses and then shakes her head. “But, anyway, she knew what our coach was trying to do to me - to us - and I didn’t believe her.”

Addy looks out the large glass pane window and out onto the street where people rush by with umbrellas and ponchos. 

Emma is exceptionally quiet for a moment as she takes in the weight of Addy’s words. “Jesus. Did your mom know?”

“No,” Addy says, looking down, repentant.

Her heart still clenches when she thinks about her last years of high school. She just wanted to forget and make a fresh start.

The restaurant starts to fill up with people as they rush in from the rain. Emma leans in closer to Addy. “What happened yesterday?”

“Nothing.” 

Addy sighs when Emma arches a brow. “I kinda panicked and made up an excuse to leave.”

“What’s there to run from?”

There were so many things Emma didn't know. Addy had thought about telling her, but every time she got the strength to talk about her past, she got sad - embarrassed, even.

“I don’t know,” Addy mumbles as gnaws the inside of her cheek.

A silence falls over them, rain hammering against the window next to them. Addy had tried to run from her past, but it’s not like running helped, anyway. Once Addy left Ohio, the only time she went back was for her mom’s funeral, seven years ago.

Suddenly, Emma says, “I’ve always admired that about you.”

“Huh?”

“How you could just pack up and leave the only place you’ve ever known. I’ve lived here all my life and I couldn’t imagine moving somewhere else.”

“Well, you have a life here.”

“So?” Emma looks out the window, pensive. “The amount of times I’ve wanted to just pack up and leave and... I haven’t.” Emma shakes her head and reaches for her purse. “Anyway, I have to get back before Moretti has a stroke.” She throws down a bill on the table and gets up to leave. “God, I hate it when you’re not at work.”

***

The following week, Addy makes her rounds. She checks the blood pressure on a frail, old lady who had a stroke and monitors the vitals of a blanched teenager who went into hyperglycemic shock. She draws another blood sample and sends it off to the lab to see if his blood sugar levels have improved.

She digs in her scrub pocket for her pager to beep Emma. “I’ll come back when the doctor’s here to check the results,” She says to his tense mother with a smile and squeezes the boy’s hand.

For the past week, Addy’s been doing her best to avoid Dr. Roberts. She pages Emma or any other doctor when she needs one. 

It’s not that she doesn't want to talk to him. 

It can’t be that he’s engaged to Beth and every time she comes in, Addy feels her stomach flip when she hears her voice float through the ward. 

_No._

They just don’t have anything in common. 

At least, that’s what Addy tells herself. 

Addy leaves the room and heads to the stockroom to refill her dwindling supply of exam gloves. As she leaves the stockroom with a handful of boxes, she walks straight into a passerby.

“What the f-”

Addy’s freezes. She knows that voice - could recognise it anywhere. “I-um-”

“Addy,” Beth chuckles uneasily, readjusting the sunglasses on top of her head. “Twice in one week. You in a rush?” 

“Sorry - been here too long,” Addy offers, internally groaning at her bad joke.

The corner of Beth’s lips curve into a smile and Addy’s stomach flips.

“What are you doing here?”

Beth gestures past Addy’s shoulders. “I was just on my way out.”

Various EMTs and nurses walk past them in the hallway and Addy scans Beth’s outfit: a dark blazer, expensive slacks and stilettos. “You off to work?”

Beth nods, smoothing a manicured hand over her black pants. “It’s my first day.” 

“Where do you work?”

“On Madison.”

“Oh, that’s a nice walk from here.” _A nice walk?_ , Addy groans internally. 

“Yeah?” Beth tilts her head to the side, glistening blue eyes staring at Addy. “I was gonna get a cab, but I could walk.”

Addy looks at her smartwatch and shakes her head. “It’s pretty much impossible to get a cab at this time. Trust me,” Addy says. “I’ve been here long enough.”

“Yeah?” Beth slightly tilts her head. “How long have you been in New York?”

“Almost ten years,” Addy says proudly, not quite believing it’s been so long.

“Ten years?” Beth asks, readjusting the strap of the purse on her shoulder. “You don’t have the weird accent.”

Addy chuckles, “It’s not that bad.”

With Beth’s heels, the two are the same height and Addy sees a twinkle in Beth’s eye. 

“What are you doing here?” Addy quickly asks.

“I was here to see Mark, but…”

“Oh.” Addy feels like the biggest idiot ever. Of course she’s coming here to see her fiancé. “So, you and him....?” Addy searches Beth’s eyes for something she’s not sure she wants to find.

Beth shoves her hands in her pockets and shrugs. “Yeah.” 

Addy smiles tightly, stifling the red-hot feeling that grows somewhere deep inside her. Just then, Addy swears she sees something flash behind Beth’s eyes. She’s not quite sure what it was, because it disappeared just as quickly as it came. 

“Congrats,” Addy says, almost certain it sounds convincing. 

Addy’s thankful when she sees an exhausted-looking Emma coming down the corridor. She throws her hands in the air as she nears the two women. “If one more person pages me, I swear to God.” 

“Emma,” Addy starts, happy to change the subject. “This is Beth. We went to high school together.”

“Nice to finally meet you.” Emma smiles, shaking Beth’s hand. 

“Likewise.” Beth checks her watch and says, “I should get going before I’m late.”

“Good luck,” Addy says. 

Beth’s smiles and her eyes find Addy’s. “See you around, Addy.” She walks past the two women and they stare until she rounds the corner. 

Emma turns to Addy with a smirk on her face. “What was that?”

“What was what?”

Emma’s lips twitch as if she’s fighting a grin. She picks up the glove boxes from Addy’s hands. “Let’s go. We’ve got a busy day.”

***

As the moon hangs in the sky, Emma and Addy sit on Emma’s window seat, wine glasses in hand. Empty takeout cartons surround the two, in addition to a half-empty bottle of wine. Jones curls up between them, snoring heavily, fast asleep. Junior year of college, Addy found a grimy, ginger kitten roaming outside their apartment building. They took him in and didn’t have the heart to give him away. Emma said he reminded her of Jones from Alien, her favourite movie. Needless to say, he grew on her.

Now his whiskers look like frayed strings on a violin, bending in all directions.

“Feels like the old days,” Addy murmurs, gazing out of the window onto the street below.

“Mhm, minus the papers and study sessions,” Emma replies. “Don’t miss that at all.”

Addy runs a hand through Jones’ thick, mangled coat. “He must be at least ten now, little shit.”

“Shh, he keeps me warm at night.” Emma pours more wine in her glass. 

“So…” Emma probes. “Tell me what happened between you two.”

“What about it?”

“C’mon,” Emma groans and jabs Addy with her foot. “I went to an all-girls catholic school - I know how catty teenage girls can be.”

“I don’t know.” Addy sips her wine. “There’s not much to say. It happened a long time ago.”

“You can’t be best friends with someone for years and then just stop talking to them.”

“It’s not that simple, Em,” Addy argues as a flush creeps up her neck.

“Try me.”

Addy bites the inside of her cheek and quietly says, “She was um...my first.”

“Oh, my god.” Emma rests her wineglass on the window ledge. 

“Yeah.” Addy responds, looking out the window.

Silence falls over them like a heavy blanket.

“Well, did you like her?”

“Yeah, a lot.” Addy pauses before shaking her head. “But, it was so confusing, you know? There was so much going on. We were kids, and I didn’t know what it meant. It’s just... I didn’t think we’d be good for each other. We were so messy.”

“That was a long time ago, like you said,” Emma points out. “People change.”

Addy wonders where it all went wrong with the two of them. Sometimes it was so stifling, Addy couldn’t handle it. Addy was sick of Sutton Grove and everything that came with it, sick of the dead end possibilities it offered. She just wanted to get out, just wanted to leave and start anew. 

“I think I wanted to get out of there my whole life,” Addy mumbles. “Ohio was... never an option for me. I always wanted out, and it was like once I was gone, I was gone. I always said I’d never look back. And then my mom died, and that was... that was like a sucker punch, you know?” 

Emma nods.

Addy presses her lips together. “The moment I stepped off that plane in Ohio, I hated every minute I was there. The reason I went back was bad enough, but it just brought back all these memories.”

“That’s what she reminds you of?” 

“That’s what it felt like - seeing her again. All those memories.”

And what could she do with all those memories?

“What about now?” Emma asks. 

Addy looks at her sceptically. “It’s complicated, Em. Everything’s different now.”

“Oh, please!” Emma scoffs. “What were the odds of the two of you being in the same place at the same time, unplanned? In fucking New York!"

Addy stays silent as she shrugs. 

Fate has a sick sense of humour.

“Well, it’s never too late.” Emma picks up her glass and glances at Addy. “Everything happens for a reason, Addy. Maybe it’s time to smooth things over.”

***

The next day, Addy sits outside her front door, waiting for her children to come back from their dad’s. 

Dull clouds loom in the sky and Addy sees drops of rain splash onto the pavement in front of her. She’s never minded the rain.  She’d always felt she could think a little easier when she’s outside, could slow down and properly go over her thoughts. Her mind wanders, and she thinks about what Emma said.

Was it possible that Beth had changed?

Addy definitely had.

Maybe she was right. 

Emma had kind of been Addy’s rock; it was Emma who was the first to befriend her in college; it was Emma who stayed up all night helping her study for her nursing exams; it was Emma who stayed with Addy when she got the call from the hospital saying her mom had passed.

But sometimes Addy feels so lost in a city she knows like the back of her own hand.

It’s times like this when Addy really misses her mom. 

She had come to appreciate her mom even more so after she became one herself. What she’d give to be able to curl up and rest her head on her mom’s lap like she used to, back when things were simple. She wonders what her mom would say to her about everything going on right now. Even though she’s a mom herself, Addy still sometimes finds herself wanting her mom’s reassurance just so she can take a break from life and completely unwind. 

Addy lets out a breath she doesn’t even realise she’s been holding, grateful for the chill in the autumn air as she feels herself get worked up. 

There’s no point in dwelling over past mistakes and what-ifs.

The once-familiar SUV pulls up in front of the gates and the engine cuts off.

“Mom!” Zoe shouts at Addy as she jumps out of the car. 

“Hey, pumpkin!” 

She runs straight into Addy, wrapping her little arms around her waist. “I missed you.”

“I missed you more.” Addy kisses the top of her head. “What did you do this weekend?”

“I went to gymnastics and me and Eli built a Lego with like a bazillion pieces!”

Addy gasps, playing along. “Did you really? No way!”

Zoe nods emphatically, eyes wide as Elijah climbs out the car, followed by their dad Jason. 

He claps Eli’s shoulder as he barrels past him into the house. “See ya, Champ.”

“Bye, Dad. Hi, Mom!”

Addy watches her kids go inside before she turns to Jason. “Thanks for dropping them off.”

“No problem. I enjoyed the extra time with them.”

Addy feels a twinge of guilt; the house all four of them used to live in, the house where she and Jason raised their children, is no longer his home.

Their separation was something that was in the making for quite a while, but it was still something they had to get used to. She’s glad, for her kids’ sake, that they live apart. It wasn’t good for them to be around all the tension, all the fighting, but it’s been hard on all of them. It was only a matter of time before Jason walked out the door, and Addy had felt relieved when he did, like she could finally come up for air.

She liked to think that when she got married it’d be the only time. But it doesn’t always work out like that. 

“I’ve paid this month’s gas and electric.” Jason says to fill the awkward silence. 

“Uh, thanks. Did you get my message about Eli’s appointment this Thursday? I can take him, but I have to go into work.”

“Yeah, uh, work just called. They need me to go to London tomorrow until Thursday.” 

Addy groans. This is what his job always entailed: long hours and endless travelling for business trips. 

“I can ask my mom to pick him up - it’s on West 79th, right?”

Addy nods slowly. “Uh, okay, so you won’t be able to make the session this week?"

During the time they’ve been separated, on Thursdays at two o’clock, Addy and Jason go to see Dr. Fisher. To be honest, Addy is relieved. Those sixty minutes on the couch every Thursday have to be the longest hours of her life. 

“Uh, no.” Jason scratches the back of his neck. “I can be at the next one though.”

“The kids will miss you.”

“I know, I can FaceTime them every night before bed, like always. And I can take them the whole week after I get back.”

Addy begins to say something, something she’s been wanting to say for a while, but the words die in her throat.

“Were you going to say something?”

“No, no,” Addy shakes her head. “It can wait until next time. You have to go pack.”

“Tell me,” Jason says. “I have time.”

“I found a number for a divorce lawyer.”

“I don’t...” His Adam’s apple bobs up and down as he gulps. “You’ve already started looking?”

Addy says nothing as she looks down. 

“Wh... Can we talk about this next week?”

“Yeah, I gotta go. The kids are probably getting hungry.” She gestures towards the house as she retreats up the stairs. “Have a good flight.”

“Night, Addy.”

Later that night, long after her children have gone to bed, Addy heads to her basement and searches through boxes of old clothes, toys, books until she finds the one she’s looking for. It’s the only box she took back with her after her mom’s funeral. It’s the only reminder of her old life.

She opens it and it’s like stepping into a time machine. It’s filled with her cheer medals, old birthday cards, her high school diploma, concert tickets among other memorabilia. But underneath it all, at the very bottom, is a picture of Addy and Beth. It’s from the summer before junior year, in Beth’s jeep, Addy riding shotgun, as usual. It’s faded and torn in multiple places now, but she can still see their radiating smiles, can still see how happy those girls were before they had to grow up. 

Addy had run away from her past because she thought it was the right thing to do, thought it would somehow help, thought it would somehow make her forget everything.

She got stronger; she rose.

But ten years changes a person. Ten years takes feelings and memories and shoves them away deep into the dark. Yet those memories always hold onto her.

Addy had wanted to leave the past behind and move on to the future, and by some sheer coincidence, Beth entered her life again. Addy wonders if they’d always be linked, tethered like shadows are to their counterpart.

She had a million reasons why she wanted to leave Sutton Grove, but maybe it was time to stop running, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
